Ciera's Adventure

I feel like doing one of those old number “bulletins” from the MySpace days. You know the ones. You assign a certain number to that person and write a special message to them. Here we go:

1. I miss you. We used to have some really good nights together, just talking all night. I think I screwed things up between us and I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you at all. I hope one day we’ll talk again, at least enough for me to get some closure. I have no idea why you left and won’t accept me again. I need to know that. I need to know if you’re upset at me. And most importantly, I need to know if I have a reason to apologize. I really hope you stop ignoring me one of these days. I don’t feel like giving up on you yet even though it’s been… a long time. I can’t think of how many years! I hope to hear from you soon, buddy. Hope things are good. Just sent you a message again. Please respond!

2. I love you. I know we’re going to be together for a very long time. Remember, I don’t believe in forever, but I do hope we last for years and years. We’ve pushed through a lot of stuff. Our relationship has grown over such a large distance. I’m excited to finally start living with you and possibly one day getting married and having children. Of course both of those are years away. Definitely not feeling ready for them today! I’m so proud of you! You’re very successful with the things you do. I love you. To infinity and beyond… but not forever! [...]

Recently I’ve really been thinking about Daniel and me. Sometimes I just don’t feel like I appreciate him enough. I mean, lately I’ve been feeling like I could go a day without talking to him. I just worry that there aren’t enough feelings there.

The thing is, when I think about the future, all I see is us. I love him to death! I really do. I just don’t feel it all the time.

Are these feelings normal? Is it alright to almost never get that overwhelming feeling of love everytime I see or hear him? What’s wrong with me?!

This is my first relationship… it’s so confusing. I feel like I’m doing things right except for times like tonight.

Well it’s been over a week since Daniel went back to Australia. The time has gone by so slow and my feelings have been tossed around.

Since he left my anxiety has flared up big time. I can’t talk to the people I’m around. Big groups of friends make me uncomfortable. Yet I’m so lonely.

I’ve been trying to get a job with only one bite that I didn’t hook. I don’t know where I can go or what I can do until I get back to Australia to be with him.

I’m usually pretty good at hiding these feelings from everyone, including myself. If you see me, please reach out. I need to feel welcomed. I need to feel like I am wanted here.

I did my final drastic cut to my hair for awhile. Daniel and I got some clippers the other day to shave his head. I did a great job, in my opinion. Today I built up the courage to shave my head the way I’ve been wanting to. Have a look:

Front, June 2011

Front hair up, June 2011

Side hair up, June 2011

I wish it was a bit shorter but it’s scary to do myself and Daniel is too afraid to mess up. I still really like it, though. And I love that it’s pretty much hidden unless my hair is up! It makes me feel like I have a secret. xD

I attended Slutwalk on Saturday. Unfortunately I don’t have my own photos. I left my camera battery at home! Fortunately, a friend I went with took a few pictures. I also was lucky enough to meet someone from the 2nd season of Beauty and the Geek Australia. Now I’m in the process of begging him to show me his photos so I can steal some of me to put in my gallery. Anyways, it was really fun to attend. Since it was cold, not many people dressed up for the event. I actually think more men dressed up than woman. It was amazing how many men were there!! It seems to be split in half: men/women. There were some very moving speeches as well. I have to admit, I wasn’t 100% into the whole thing but I’m still very glad I attended. I might get more into next time. [...]

Well, I’ve made it a month in Australia. I knew I would considering my last visit here was 3 months long ! It’s been really great here. Of course there’s been down days but I wouldn’t change anything about it! During the weeks I’ve been doing things to keep my self busy including looking for jobs and visiting Daniel at work. At least one day during the weekend is spent as a ‘date day’. On those days we usually go out all day and enjoy our time together. I’m so thankful we have the weekends to spend so much time together! [...]

Hello blog readers! I have a lot on my mind tonight and wanted to see if writing a post would help. It’s almost impossible to find a place to start. Hmmm…

Today I spent some time with my best friend, Tanya. The last time I talked to/saw her was about 7 months ago. It was really nice to catch up with her. I love that we can lose contact for months, or years, and still be as close as we are. It just shows how strong friendships can be

I got a job at a Papa John’s that just opened here! I be deliverin’ pizzas now! xD  I’m so glad I finally have a job! It’s not what I’d like to be doing but the hours are good, tips are nice, and I love most of the people I work with I’ve met some people there that I hope I know for a long time.  It’s weird that I like almost everything about it, but I don’t necessarily enjoy working there.  [...]

Right now, I just feel tired. Mostly of family, I think. They just got home an hour ago and I spent maybe 5 minutes with them? And when I escaped I felt annoyed and stressed. I really wish I wouldn’t feel this way almost all the time. The only person I can stand in this house (still for a limited time, but longer than the rest) is my sister. Hopefully she doesn’t start annoying me as much as the others ! I don’t know what I’d do then.

Anyways, now I am listening to music and trying not to be here while still being here. I can’t wait for a new life! Really. I am soooo excited to just ‘start over’. I feel like I’m just surviving until then. Then, when I start living! Gahhh! I’m so impatient sometimes. XD

Hmm, something I’m starting to realize: Parents are right sometimes . Did you ever hear, “Your friends now may not be your friends forever, even if it feels like that now.”? Haha! My dad said that a lot but I never believed him. I thought the friendships I’ve had for 10+ years would always be, ya’ know? My views sure have changed recently. I am definitely not as close as I used to be with my two best friends I’ve had for about 12 years now. I haven’t talked to one of them for 6 months now because she hasn’t responded to any of my messages . The other friend; I think we will be friends for a long time still but I just don’t feel as close as we were in our younger years. Mmm… blah! Just, blaaaah. That’s how I feel right now. [...]

You know when you’re reading something you totally agree with and you get this uplifting feeling? That happened to me when I read the above proverb! The way I interpret it may be different from others but I think it means: “No distance is too far if you’re in love.”

About a month ago I arrived home from a three month trip to Australia. I had traveled over there to meet Daniel, my one and only (as mentioned in my last blog post). We had met online nine months prior when he sent me a friend request on Myspace. We started talking through comments and, just a few days later, we were chatting hours upon hours on Windows Live Messenger! It was, and still is, amazing that I could talk to him the whole day without getting bored or having an awkward pause in the conversation. I have never been able to do that with anyone else!

When we first started talking, Neither of us were expecting more than just a friendship. He was looking for a girlfriend, but trying to find someone in his area. Oh, and I must add this!!, he started looking right after his ex broke up with him… REBOUND! xD LOL! I was concerned and told him he didn’t “need” another girlfriend, he just wanted one. As for me, I had been “involved”, emotionally at least, with a friend and was still trying to figure myself out. I just wasn’t looking for anyone… I didn’t have the feeling that I needed to be with someone. But of course, as the days went by, and we started learning more about each other, we started getting closer and closer! I think it took me a little over a month to realize how I felt about him! <3 I knew by then I would love to meet him one day and I told him so . I had no idea I would be on an airplane flying across the world 8 months after that, though [...]