Ciera's Adventure

Moving is hard for everyone. I’m not an exception. This crazy life I started (moving between two countries) has really taken a toll on me. It’s brought on this depression that’s been lingering over me for at least a year. All this moving hasn’t allowed me to find jobs so I’ve picked up this unwanted slacker lifestyle. Most of my days are on the computer applying for jobs or being extremely lazy and just browsing a few sites all day. Not to mention the way moving affects relationships. It’s so hard for someone like me to make friends, and also to go without them. I don’t know what it is but after awhile of being alone, (and who knows why I’m alone because I hate it most of the time) I end up begging for attention. Today happens to be one of those days and the reason why I feel like writing this post.

I need friends. I need a job. I need a life.

Stupid. Dumb. Ugly. Unworthy. Selfish. Neglected… Beautiful. Confident.

For the past couple of days I’ve felt really… low. I feel like people aren’t seeing me as the intelligent person I am. Then I start thinking maybe I’m just not as intelligent as I believe I am.

I’m just going to take a wild guess and say my self-esteem is low. Very low. It happened so suddenly, too.

Recently I’ve really been thinking about Daniel and me. Sometimes I just don’t feel like I appreciate him enough. I mean, lately I’ve been feeling like I could go a day without talking to him. I just worry that there aren’t enough feelings there.

The thing is, when I think about the future, all I see is us. I love him to death! I really do. I just don’t feel it all the time.

Are these feelings normal? Is it alright to almost never get that overwhelming feeling of love everytime I see or hear him? What’s wrong with me?!

This is my first relationship… it’s so confusing. I feel like I’m doing things right except for times like tonight.

Well it’s been over a week since Daniel went back to Australia. The time has gone by so slow and my feelings have been tossed around.

Since he left my anxiety has flared up big time. I can’t talk to the people I’m around. Big groups of friends make me uncomfortable. Yet I’m so lonely.

I’ve been trying to get a job with only one bite that I didn’t hook. I don’t know where I can go or what I can do until I get back to Australia to be with him.

I’m usually pretty good at hiding these feelings from everyone, including myself. If you see me, please reach out. I need to feel welcomed. I need to feel like I am wanted here.