I need friends. I need a job. I need a life.

The first snow always brings the childish side out of me. Growing up I’ve started to despise snow because of what it does to the roads. Driving is hell when it gets slick or icy. Still, I can never fully hate the white fluffiness falling from the sky. It really is a beautiful sight. Not to mention the silence snow brings. I especially love it at night when no one else is around. It’s just you and a wide, open world getting covered in a cold, white blanket.

Everybody needs to experience snow at least once in their life.

For the past couple of days I’ve felt really… low. I feel like people aren’t seeing me as the intelligent person I am. Then I start thinking maybe I’m just not as intelligent as I believe I am.

I’m just going to take a wild guess and say my self-esteem is low. Very low. It happened so suddenly, too.

1. I miss you. We used to have some really good nights together, just talking all night. I think I screwed things up between us and I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you at all. I hope one day we’ll talk again, at least enough for me to get some closure. I have no idea why you left and won’t accept me again. I need to know that. I need to know if you’re upset at me. And most importantly, I need to know if I have a reason to apologize. I really hope you stop ignoring me one of these days. I don’t feel like giving up on you yet even though it’s been… a long time. I can’t think of how many years! I hope to hear from you soon, buddy. Hope things are good. Just sent you a message again. Please respond!

2. I love you. I know we’re going to be together for a very long time. Remember, I don’t believe in forever, but I do hope we last for years and years. We’ve pushed through a lot of stuff. Our relationship has grown over such a large distance. I’m excited to finally start living with you and possibly one day getting married and having children. Of course both of those are years away. Definitely not feeling ready for them today! I’m so proud of you! You’re very successful with the things you do. I love you. To infinity and beyond… but not forever!

3. We haven’t talked in awhile. It’s been upsetting me but a friend pointed out recently that you might be feeling the same way I do. I want to talk to you about it but it’s hard to do. I haven’t been able to approach you with things for a while. When we talk, you never say much. I’m really worried about you.
You’ve been through a lot but now that you’re out of the worst parts, you’re still stuck. I wish I could help but it’s better for me to grow. I hope things get better for you! Maybe, once I’m rich in Australia, I can fly you and your other kids to visit me.

4. It’s really frustrating dealing with you sometimes. You just don’t seem to understand other people. I get it, believe me. Sometimes I have the hardest time understanding others. It’s just frustrating having a role model that doesn’t understand me. Since I’ve moved near you, we’ve gotten a bit closer which has been really good! I love you. I’d still really like it if you’d acknowledge my growth in learning how to love myself just as I am. I’ve always looked for you approval but I think I’m finally learning that it doesn’t matter anymore. I just need to make myself proud.

5. I feel very lucky to have you in my life. I’m able to talk to you about things I can’t open up about with my parents. You’ve been taking care of me when you really have no obligation to do so. You’re amazing! Plain and simple. I appreciate everything you have done for me. I’m so glad we plan on keeping each other in our lives. Thanks for everything! I love you.

I was done at 4 but I had to add one more because I like odd numbers and, oddly enough, it felt more equal. o_o
I plan on doing another one of these eventually. I have many people I’d like to write little notes to.

The thing is, when I think about the future, all I see is us. I love him to death! I really do. I just don’t feel it all the time.

Are these feelings normal? Is it alright to almost never get that overwhelming feeling of love everytime I see or hear him? What’s wrong with me?!

This is my first relationship… it’s so confusing. I feel like I’m doing things right except for times like tonight.

Just so you know, I’m happy.
Just so you know, I’m not struggling but I’m not achieving anything.
Just so you know, I’m overeating at one meal each day. WTF!
Just so you know, I’m fat and A-OK with it.
Just so you know, I’m beautiful. I’m a great person.

Just so you know…

Front, June 2011

Front hair up, June 2011

Side hair up, June 2011

I wish it was a bit shorter but it’s scary to do myself and Daniel is too afraid to mess up. I still really like it, though. And I love that it’s pretty much hidden unless my hair is up! It makes me feel like I have a secret. xD

I attended Slutwalk on Saturday. Unfortunately I don’t have my own photos. I left my camera battery at home! Fortunately, a friend I went with took a few pictures. I also was lucky enough to meet someone from the 2nd season of Beauty and the Geek Australia. Now I’m in the process of begging him to show me his photos so I can steal some of me to put in my gallery. Anyways, it was really fun to attend. Since it was cold, not many people dressed up for the event. I actually think more men dressed up than woman. It was amazing how many men were there!! It seems to be split in half: men/women. There were some very moving speeches as well. I have to admit, I wasn’t 100% into the whole thing but I’m still very glad I attended. I might get more into next time.

I’ll be leaving for the USA in just a little over 17 days. There are a lot of things I need to get done for the partner visa I’m wanting to get next, plus packing. I can fit it all into the next few weeks, I’m just feeling stressed about it all. I wish Daniel could take some of the load off but he’s really busy with his exam weeks for uni.

Long distance relationships are really tough. I want to be excited about coming back home but being in the US means Daniel and I have to be apart soon. We cried about it last night… 2 months before the inevitable day. This parting is going to be the worst, hands down.

I think that’s it for now. Until next time,
-Ciera

Anyways, this is my idea:

I’m thinking about trying the front fringe with the shaved sides. Would those even look good together? It’s so scary to think about!

Do you guys think I should do it? I guess I could try wigs if I don’t like the way it turns out… <.<

Desexing is a standard in Australia for pets. Whenever you get an animal, it will most likely be desexed. It’s done to keep your animal healthier, decrease overpopulation, and other reasons that convenience the owners. Wait! Did I say that right?! Desexing conveniences owners? Ahh, yes! As this post says, desexing male animals:

Usually stops tomcats from “spraying” foul-smelling urine in the house.

Reduces the annoying and embarrassing urge of male dogs to “mount” children and adults’ legs.

Reduced dog registration fees each year will quickly cover the cost of the operation

Reduces aggression against other animals. It decreases fights, thus saving you expensive veterinary bills and aggravation.

and desexing female animals:

Eliminates oestrus or “heat” periods; no bloody discharges.

Eliminates the scent that attracts annoying males. No need to confine your female while in heat.

Eliminates the frantic pacing and crying by the female while in heat (cats are especially vocal at this time). Reduced dog registration fees each year will quickly cover the cost of the operation.

Don’t those reasons sound selfish to you? To me, they seem as selfish as the reasons for declawing. So why aren’t both procedures inhumane?

And why is it alright to castrate animals but not humans? One of my friends said, “that’s b/c a human would have to do it.” but I don’t understand that reasoning. We’re all inhabitants of this planet. One of us isn’t better than the other!

Please comment telling me your opinion and possibly an answer to my questions. I’d really appreciate it, thanks!

-Ciera

I have something that’s been bugging since before I left ‘The Valley‘ and I just want to let the feelings out.

Going Away Party.
I’m not someone who cares much about such parties. I think they’re made mostly for the people left behind. With that being said, I can’t explain why I’m upset about what happened at mine. Maybe I just don’t understand how you can love someone and call yourself their friend but completely turn the party plans around last minute and only visit with the person for 5 minutes before she leaves. I guess that’s it. I just don’t understand how some peoples minds work.

It helps to just say that much so… I think I’m done there. I don’t want to start up any drama again. The stuff that happened on twitter (you heard me… twitter) was bad enough.

I’ve been on a rollercoaster of different emotions since my big life change. Some days I’m really happy and others I have really negative feelings. I’m not used to the fluctuation . All I had to deal with before was mostly frustration and happiness. Of course my emotional changes now may be due to my self-prescribed decrease in medicine. I don’t know why I decided to cut down on Paxil again. I can actually handle the world a lot better when I’m on the full amount. No anxiety > anxiety, believe it or not!

I’m in a major need of adrenaline. Sitting at home doing nothing KILLS me. I’ve been waiting for a job but nothing seems to be happening. I’m about to jump in and apply at McDeath! D: But hey, maybe that’ll get the adrenaline pumping. Otherwise, I’m thinking a concert would be a-mazing!!! That, or thrill rides at Luna Park!

That’s it for now. Ciao, darlings! <3

-Ciera