Ciera's Adventure

Hey people! So I wanted to write a little update about where I’m at in my life. As you can see in the picture to the left, my hair is a little darker and a lot shorter! I recently moved to Melbourne, Australia (for good, as far as I know), and it’s summer here so I decided to get a new hair cut. The color was just something new to try although my roots are already showing a tiny bit. I don’t like it! I guess lighter is better for me since I’m a low maintenance gal. But of course going lighter means damaging my hair more! I hate the feeling of my hair now without conditioner.

Anyways, off track. Australia has been good to me so far. A nice, “big” spider decided to welcome me just the other day. Of course I know this isn’t the largest around here but I can still see the segments of its body. IT’S TOO DAMN BIG! Not to mention it decided to scurry around a bit when I was trying to get a picture. That thing is fast! And today there happens to be a smaller one on the wall I’m facing, behind a picture frame. Ahhh, the joys. I’m just going to let it be until someone else decides to trap it or it attacks me, whichever comes first. [...]

Recently I’ve really been thinking about Daniel and me. Sometimes I just don’t feel like I appreciate him enough. I mean, lately I’ve been feeling like I could go a day without talking to him. I just worry that there aren’t enough feelings there.

The thing is, when I think about the future, all I see is us. I love him to death! I really do. I just don’t feel it all the time.

Are these feelings normal? Is it alright to almost never get that overwhelming feeling of love everytime I see or hear him? What’s wrong with me?!

This is my first relationship… it’s so confusing. I feel like I’m doing things right except for times like tonight.

Well it’s been over a week since Daniel went back to Australia. The time has gone by so slow and my feelings have been tossed around.

Since he left my anxiety has flared up big time. I can’t talk to the people I’m around. Big groups of friends make me uncomfortable. Yet I’m so lonely.

I’ve been trying to get a job with only one bite that I didn’t hook. I don’t know where I can go or what I can do until I get back to Australia to be with him.

I’m usually pretty good at hiding these feelings from everyone, including myself. If you see me, please reach out. I need to feel welcomed. I need to feel like I am wanted here.

I did my final drastic cut to my hair for awhile. Daniel and I got some clippers the other day to shave his head. I did a great job, in my opinion. Today I built up the courage to shave my head the way I’ve been wanting to. Have a look:

Front, June 2011

Front hair up, June 2011

Side hair up, June 2011

I wish it was a bit shorter but it’s scary to do myself and Daniel is too afraid to mess up. I still really like it, though. And I love that it’s pretty much hidden unless my hair is up! It makes me feel like I have a secret. xD

I attended Slutwalk on Saturday. Unfortunately I don’t have my own photos. I left my camera battery at home! Fortunately, a friend I went with took a few pictures. I also was lucky enough to meet someone from the 2nd season of Beauty and the Geek Australia. Now I’m in the process of begging him to show me his photos so I can steal some of me to put in my gallery. Anyways, it was really fun to attend. Since it was cold, not many people dressed up for the event. I actually think more men dressed up than woman. It was amazing how many men were there!! It seems to be split in half: men/women. There were some very moving speeches as well. I have to admit, I wasn’t 100% into the whole thing but I’m still very glad I attended. I might get more into next time. [...]

Well, I’ve made it a month in Australia. I knew I would considering my last visit here was 3 months long ! It’s been really great here. Of course there’s been down days but I wouldn’t change anything about it! During the weeks I’ve been doing things to keep my self busy including looking for jobs and visiting Daniel at work. At least one day during the weekend is spent as a ‘date day’. On those days we usually go out all day and enjoy our time together. I’m so thankful we have the weekends to spend so much time together! [...]

Today I spent a wonderful day with Daniel, his sister, and his mom. We had lunch at a nice buffet and then got some shopping in. We had to get some ingredients for delicious cookies that we made later in the day. Mmmmm, cookies! They turned out soo well! They were meant to be plain lemon cookies, with icing but we decided to make them more exciting with RAINBOW (++death) colors! Not only do they look good but they taste delicious as well! [...]

Today, Daniel and I went out to do some shopping and just spend the day together. We walked through IKEA to look at furniture. I loved doing that. It got me very excited for the possibilities the future brings. IKEA didn’t have anything we could afford, and needed, so we decided to stop by another store to look at dressers and bookshelves. We had to go via train and while waiting there, a young man gave me a compliment: [...]

That’s right! In just a few more days I will no longer be in a long distance relationship! I’m heading to Australia to be with Daniel for a year.

The nine months, that are now behind us, have been so difficult for me! Before we met, chatting was always a fun experience. After meeting and spending three months together, I started getting really frustrated and taking things he said the wrong way. I partly blame the distance. I was so unhappy that I couldn’t be there; my overall mood has changed from relaxed and happy, to stressed and discontent. I miss the way I felt before. Although, I have faith that when I’m there my mood will change drastically again.

More has gone on in life, as well. Along with the stress of the distance: I live in this disgusting house (daily stressor); my family has made me feel used, neglected, and just disrespected; and my moms ex-husband, and my brother and sisters father, had an incident that has left him with no movement on his right side and possible one blind eye. Sound like a good nine months to you?! Now, I know I could have things a lot worse… it just feels like bad things have been happening one things after another, after another, for the past three years. [...]

Hello blog readers! I have a lot on my mind tonight and wanted to see if writing a post would help. It’s almost impossible to find a place to start. Hmmm…

Today I spent some time with my best friend, Tanya. The last time I talked to/saw her was about 7 months ago. It was really nice to catch up with her. I love that we can lose contact for months, or years, and still be as close as we are. It just shows how strong friendships can be

I got a job at a Papa John’s that just opened here! I be deliverin’ pizzas now! xD  I’m so glad I finally have a job! It’s not what I’d like to be doing but the hours are good, tips are nice, and I love most of the people I work with I’ve met some people there that I hope I know for a long time.  It’s weird that I like almost everything about it, but I don’t necessarily enjoy working there.  [...]

Right now, I just feel tired. Mostly of family, I think. They just got home an hour ago and I spent maybe 5 minutes with them? And when I escaped I felt annoyed and stressed. I really wish I wouldn’t feel this way almost all the time. The only person I can stand in this house (still for a limited time, but longer than the rest) is my sister. Hopefully she doesn’t start annoying me as much as the others ! I don’t know what I’d do then.

Anyways, now I am listening to music and trying not to be here while still being here. I can’t wait for a new life! Really. I am soooo excited to just ‘start over’. I feel like I’m just surviving until then. Then, when I start living! Gahhh! I’m so impatient sometimes. XD

Hmm, something I’m starting to realize: Parents are right sometimes . Did you ever hear, “Your friends now may not be your friends forever, even if it feels like that now.”? Haha! My dad said that a lot but I never believed him. I thought the friendships I’ve had for 10+ years would always be, ya’ know? My views sure have changed recently. I am definitely not as close as I used to be with my two best friends I’ve had for about 12 years now. I haven’t talked to one of them for 6 months now because she hasn’t responded to any of my messages . The other friend; I think we will be friends for a long time still but I just don’t feel as close as we were in our younger years. Mmm… blah! Just, blaaaah. That’s how I feel right now. [...]