Ciera's Adventure

Moving is hard for everyone. I’m not an exception. This crazy life I started (moving between two countries) has really taken a toll on me. It’s brought on this depression that’s been lingering over me for at least a year. All this moving hasn’t allowed me to find jobs so I’ve picked up this unwanted slacker lifestyle. Most of my days are on the computer applying for jobs or being extremely lazy and just browsing a few sites all day. Not to mention the way moving affects relationships. It’s so hard for someone like me to make friends, and also to go without them. I don’t know what it is but after awhile of being alone, (and who knows why I’m alone because I hate it most of the time) I end up begging for attention. Today happens to be one of those days and the reason why I feel like writing this post.

I need friends. I need a job. I need a life.

Hey people! So I wanted to write a little update about where I’m at in my life. As you can see in the picture to the left, my hair is a little darker and a lot shorter! I recently moved to Melbourne, Australia (for good, as far as I know), and it’s summer here so I decided to get a new hair cut. The color was just something new to try although my roots are already showing a tiny bit. I don’t like it! I guess lighter is better for me since I’m a low maintenance gal. But of course going lighter means damaging my hair more! I hate the feeling of my hair now without conditioner.

Anyways, off track. Australia has been good to me so far. A nice, “big” spider decided to welcome me just the other day. Of course I know this isn’t the largest around here but I can still see the segments of its body. IT’S TOO DAMN BIG! Not to mention it decided to scurry around a bit when I was trying to get a picture. That thing is fast! And today there happens to be a smaller one on the wall I’m facing, behind a picture frame. Ahhh, the joys. I’m just going to let it be until someone else decides to trap it or it attacks me, whichever comes first. [...]

Stupid. Dumb. Ugly. Unworthy. Selfish. Neglected… Beautiful. Confident.

For the past couple of days I’ve felt really… low. I feel like people aren’t seeing me as the intelligent person I am. Then I start thinking maybe I’m just not as intelligent as I believe I am.

I’m just going to take a wild guess and say my self-esteem is low. Very low. It happened so suddenly, too.

Recently I’ve really been thinking about Daniel and me. Sometimes I just don’t feel like I appreciate him enough. I mean, lately I’ve been feeling like I could go a day without talking to him. I just worry that there aren’t enough feelings there.

The thing is, when I think about the future, all I see is us. I love him to death! I really do. I just don’t feel it all the time.

Are these feelings normal? Is it alright to almost never get that overwhelming feeling of love everytime I see or hear him? What’s wrong with me?!

This is my first relationship… it’s so confusing. I feel like I’m doing things right except for times like tonight.

I don’t know what to write. I was wanting to share my life with you. I wanted to type out my current thoughts and feelings. It just seems stupid now. Nothing is being organized in my head the way I want it to. Everything is jumbled up.

Just so you know, I’m happy.
Just so you know, I’m not struggling but I’m not achieving anything.
Just so you know, I’m overeating at one meal each day. WTF!
Just so you know, I’m fat and A-OK with it.
Just so you know, I’m beautiful. I’m a great person.

Just so you know…

Well it’s been over a week since Daniel went back to Australia. The time has gone by so slow and my feelings have been tossed around.

Since he left my anxiety has flared up big time. I can’t talk to the people I’m around. Big groups of friends make me uncomfortable. Yet I’m so lonely.

I’ve been trying to get a job with only one bite that I didn’t hook. I don’t know where I can go or what I can do until I get back to Australia to be with him.

I’m usually pretty good at hiding these feelings from everyone, including myself. If you see me, please reach out. I need to feel welcomed. I need to feel like I am wanted here.

I did my final drastic cut to my hair for awhile. Daniel and I got some clippers the other day to shave his head. I did a great job, in my opinion. Today I built up the courage to shave my head the way I’ve been wanting to. Have a look:

Front, June 2011

Front hair up, June 2011

Side hair up, June 2011

I wish it was a bit shorter but it’s scary to do myself and Daniel is too afraid to mess up. I still really like it, though. And I love that it’s pretty much hidden unless my hair is up! It makes me feel like I have a secret. xD

I attended Slutwalk on Saturday. Unfortunately I don’t have my own photos. I left my camera battery at home! Fortunately, a friend I went with took a few pictures. I also was lucky enough to meet someone from the 2nd season of Beauty and the Geek Australia. Now I’m in the process of begging him to show me his photos so I can steal some of me to put in my gallery. Anyways, it was really fun to attend. Since it was cold, not many people dressed up for the event. I actually think more men dressed up than woman. It was amazing how many men were there!! It seems to be split in half: men/women. There were some very moving speeches as well. I have to admit, I wasn’t 100% into the whole thing but I’m still very glad I attended. I might get more into next time. [...]

I worked up the courage and cut my fringe today. The last time I ever held scissors up to my hair I was… 5, maybe… so doing it today was a huge deal. I was so afraid of screwing it up, which I did. But not enough for me to hate it. I just fixed the mistake and made my hair look good. I am so happy with the result!

Hair up, May 2011	Front on, May 2011	Side, May 2011
Side with headband, May 2011	Derp, May 2011	Smile, May 2011
Moustache, May 2011

I’m thinking I’ll dye my hair again. Maybe a purple-ish black. I’ve been doing it so much lately but I’m really enjoying the excitement of a new look. Plus I seem to be looking a lot like Daniel’s sister which hasn’t been my aim at all. She’s beautiful but I like feeling original. I don’t want her to think I’m copying her either. Because I’m not. So, ch-ch-ch-changes are up ahead!

Oh! This Saturday I’m attending Slutwalk in Melbourne. I’ll be making a crop-top from one of my Owl City shirts. I hope it looks alright. A picture will be posted when it’s done!

Until next time
-Ciera

I’ve been thinking about getting my hair cut before I head back to the US. I have a general idea what I want but I’m in need of opinions. Sometimes I have a hard time knowing what will actually look good on me.

Anyways, this is my idea:

I’m thinking about trying the front fringe with the shaved sides. Would those even look good together? It’s so scary to think about!

Do you guys think I should do it? I guess I could try wigs if I don’t like the way it turns out… <.<

I really want to draw some attention to something I was involved in today. My wonderful friend Sabrina knows a man who is suffering with a lot of things right now. She gives some detail here. This man could really use any help he can get! He has lung cancer and will more than likely be homeless tomorrow morning. Sabrina has set up a paypal account that goes towards helping him with recovery and survival in this cruel world. If anyone is willing to help, even just a little bit, please go to this page and donate whatever you can! He’ll appreciate anything but he deserves a lot! I gave him $5, along with another friend, and he started crying he was so happy.

So readers, spare some extra money. I know most of us can cut out just one purchase and have that money go to this man. Please help, as much as you can!