I need friends. I need a job. I need a life.

Anyways, off track. Australia has been good to me so far. A nice, “big” spider decided to welcome me just the other day. Of course I know this isn’t the largest around here but I can still see the segments of its body. IT’S TOO DAMN BIG! Not to mention it decided to scurry around a bit when I was trying to get a picture. That thing is fast! And today there happens to be a smaller one on the wall I’m facing, behind a picture frame. Ahhh, the joys. I’m just going to let it be until someone else decides to trap it or it attacks me, whichever comes first.

Louie seemed happy to see me when I got here. He let me cuddle him for a bit and has been spending quite a lot of time in our room. Daniel’s mum got some baskets for me to put my clothes in and happened to grab a few extra. Louie really seems to love them. He’ll fall asleep in one and then I’ll carry him around while he purrs. He finally seems more lovey. Just what I wanted. There still seems to be a tiny battle about feeding him (When he needs food, how much he gets, what kind). I also think he’s having a problem with furballs. I’ll be taking him to the vet sometime soon for a check-up so I’ll be asking about it then. Maybe I’ll ask about a job there, too!

And finally, Daniel. He was so happy to see me. He’s still in that stage of “OH MY GOD SHE’S HERE” where as I’m in the stage of, “I never left, what are you talking about? Get off of me!” It really feels like I never left, which is odd since I’ve been gone for 6 months. It is still really great to finally be with him again! And this time we know it’s “forever”. I’m really not a lovey person but I know I love him. We plan on moving out of his mum’s place shortly after I get a job. I can’t wait for that next step. I hope it’ll work out well for us. Once we know it’s working, maybe more “next steps” will happen!

That’s it for now. Thanks for reading!

-Ciera

For the past couple of days I’ve felt really… low. I feel like people aren’t seeing me as the intelligent person I am. Then I start thinking maybe I’m just not as intelligent as I believe I am.

I’m just going to take a wild guess and say my self-esteem is low. Very low. It happened so suddenly, too.

The thing is, when I think about the future, all I see is us. I love him to death! I really do. I just don’t feel it all the time.

Are these feelings normal? Is it alright to almost never get that overwhelming feeling of love everytime I see or hear him? What’s wrong with me?!

This is my first relationship… it’s so confusing. I feel like I’m doing things right except for times like tonight.

Just so you know, I’m happy.
Just so you know, I’m not struggling but I’m not achieving anything.
Just so you know, I’m overeating at one meal each day. WTF!
Just so you know, I’m fat and A-OK with it.
Just so you know, I’m beautiful. I’m a great person.

Just so you know…

Since he left my anxiety has flared up big time. I can’t talk to the people I’m around. Big groups of friends make me uncomfortable. Yet I’m so lonely.

I’ve been trying to get a job with only one bite that I didn’t hook. I don’t know where I can go or what I can do until I get back to Australia to be with him.

I’m usually pretty good at hiding these feelings from everyone, including myself. If you see me, please reach out. I need to feel welcomed. I need to feel like I am wanted here.

Front, June 2011

Front hair up, June 2011

Side hair up, June 2011

I wish it was a bit shorter but it’s scary to do myself and Daniel is too afraid to mess up. I still really like it, though. And I love that it’s pretty much hidden unless my hair is up! It makes me feel like I have a secret. xD

I attended Slutwalk on Saturday. Unfortunately I don’t have my own photos. I left my camera battery at home! Fortunately, a friend I went with took a few pictures. I also was lucky enough to meet someone from the 2nd season of Beauty and the Geek Australia. Now I’m in the process of begging him to show me his photos so I can steal some of me to put in my gallery. Anyways, it was really fun to attend. Since it was cold, not many people dressed up for the event. I actually think more men dressed up than woman. It was amazing how many men were there!! It seems to be split in half: men/women. There were some very moving speeches as well. I have to admit, I wasn’t 100% into the whole thing but I’m still very glad I attended. I might get more into next time.

I’ll be leaving for the USA in just a little over 17 days. There are a lot of things I need to get done for the partner visa I’m wanting to get next, plus packing. I can fit it all into the next few weeks, I’m just feeling stressed about it all. I wish Daniel could take some of the load off but he’s really busy with his exam weeks for uni.

Long distance relationships are really tough. I want to be excited about coming back home but being in the US means Daniel and I have to be apart soon. We cried about it last night… 2 months before the inevitable day. This parting is going to be the worst, hands down.

I think that’s it for now. Until next time,
-Ciera

I have something that’s been bugging since before I left ‘The Valley‘ and I just want to let the feelings out.

Going Away Party.
I’m not someone who cares much about such parties. I think they’re made mostly for the people left behind. With that being said, I can’t explain why I’m upset about what happened at mine. Maybe I just don’t understand how you can love someone and call yourself their friend but completely turn the party plans around last minute and only visit with the person for 5 minutes before she leaves. I guess that’s it. I just don’t understand how some peoples minds work.

It helps to just say that much so… I think I’m done there. I don’t want to start up any drama again. The stuff that happened on twitter (you heard me… twitter) was bad enough.

I’ve been on a rollercoaster of different emotions since my big life change. Some days I’m really happy and others I have really negative feelings. I’m not used to the fluctuation . All I had to deal with before was mostly frustration and happiness. Of course my emotional changes now may be due to my self-prescribed decrease in medicine. I don’t know why I decided to cut down on Paxil again. I can actually handle the world a lot better when I’m on the full amount. No anxiety > anxiety, believe it or not!

I’m in a major need of adrenaline. Sitting at home doing nothing KILLS me. I’ve been waiting for a job but nothing seems to be happening. I’m about to jump in and apply at McDeath! D: But hey, maybe that’ll get the adrenaline pumping. Otherwise, I’m thinking a concert would be a-mazing!!! That, or thrill rides at Luna Park!

That’s it for now. Ciao, darlings! <3

-Ciera

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Well, I’ve made it a month in Australia. I knew I would considering my last visit here was 3 months long ! It’s been really great here. Of course there’s been down days but I wouldn’t change anything about it! During the weeks I’ve been doing things to keep my self busy including looking for jobs and visiting Daniel at work. At least one day during the weekend is spent as a ‘date day’. On those days we usually go out all day and enjoy our time together. I’m so thankful we have the weekends to spend so much time together!

This week I spent most of the time at home. Normally that would make me feel a bit upset but I stayed busy enough to feel like I accomplished something. I managed to finish all the friendship bracelets I was working on. I also wrote some letters and made some necklaces for my brother and sister. On Thursday, Daniel’s mum managed to talk me into going grocery shopping with her. We got ingredients for tacos! They were really good ! Daniel was on a fun go-carting trip that his office does. I wish I could have gone! On Friday, I went into the city to visit my man at work. While together, we set up his part of our joint bank account. Then we went to the post office so I could send everything I worked on. After that, we went and got lunch at KFC. So healthy, right?!

This weekend we decided to just spend one day out. Before we actually set out for our date, we got haircuts (seen above!). I was worried about how mine would turn out but I ended up loving it! I still do, of course xD! After that, we didn’t decide what we were going to do, Melbourne Zoo or Luna Park, until we got to one of the locations. Part of the uncertainty was the weather. It was raining for a little bit but we still decided to go to the zoo. I was so excited to see the baby elephant there! Her name is Mali . We found out that in just a few weeks, another elephant will be having a baby. I made sure Daniel knew we were visiting again just for that! While we were there, we also discovered that there were baby tigers! They were being so playful when we visited them. Mommy tiger was walking around roaring. Also, while visiting this time, we got to see the red panda. When we visited last year, it was hiding in a little box, eating food. This time it was up in a tree just looking down at everyone. It made me soooooo happy! Red Pandas are cute ^_^!! Will you get me one? If you’d like to see any pictures of the trip, either go to my facebook or visit my joint blog with Daniel. We just set it up tonight so there’s not much on it but we made sure we got some zoo pics up.

Anywho, that’s it for now! Wish me luck on the next week! I’m hoping for an interview soon, from anywhere! Byebye!

-Ciera