Ciera's Adventure

Moving is hard for everyone. I’m not an exception. This crazy life I started (moving between two countries) has really taken a toll on me. It’s brought on this depression that’s been lingering over me for at least a year. All this moving hasn’t allowed me to find jobs so I’ve picked up this unwanted slacker lifestyle. Most of my days are on the computer applying for jobs or being extremely lazy and just browsing a few sites all day. Not to mention the way moving affects relationships. It’s so hard for someone like me to make friends, and also to go without them. I don’t know what it is but after awhile of being alone, (and who knows why I’m alone because I hate it most of the time) I end up begging for attention. Today happens to be one of those days and the reason why I feel like writing this post.

I need friends. I need a job. I need a life.

Hey people! So I wanted to write a little update about where I’m at in my life. As you can see in the picture to the left, my hair is a little darker and a lot shorter! I recently moved to Melbourne, Australia (for good, as far as I know), and it’s summer here so I decided to get a new hair cut. The color was just something new to try although my roots are already showing a tiny bit. I don’t like it! I guess lighter is better for me since I’m a low maintenance gal. But of course going lighter means damaging my hair more! I hate the feeling of my hair now without conditioner.

Anyways, off track. Australia has been good to me so far. A nice, “big” spider decided to welcome me just the other day. Of course I know this isn’t the largest around here but I can still see the segments of its body. IT’S TOO DAMN BIG! Not to mention it decided to scurry around a bit when I was trying to get a picture. That thing is fast! And today there happens to be a smaller one on the wall I’m facing, behind a picture frame. Ahhh, the joys. I’m just going to let it be until someone else decides to trap it or it attacks me, whichever comes first. [...]

Stupid. Dumb. Ugly. Unworthy. Selfish. Neglected… Beautiful. Confident.

For the past couple of days I’ve felt really… low. I feel like people aren’t seeing me as the intelligent person I am. Then I start thinking maybe I’m just not as intelligent as I believe I am.

I’m just going to take a wild guess and say my self-esteem is low. Very low. It happened so suddenly, too.

Recently I’ve really been thinking about Daniel and me. Sometimes I just don’t feel like I appreciate him enough. I mean, lately I’ve been feeling like I could go a day without talking to him. I just worry that there aren’t enough feelings there.

The thing is, when I think about the future, all I see is us. I love him to death! I really do. I just don’t feel it all the time.

Are these feelings normal? Is it alright to almost never get that overwhelming feeling of love everytime I see or hear him? What’s wrong with me?!

This is my first relationship… it’s so confusing. I feel like I’m doing things right except for times like tonight.

I don’t know what to write. I was wanting to share my life with you. I wanted to type out my current thoughts and feelings. It just seems stupid now. Nothing is being organized in my head the way I want it to. Everything is jumbled up.

Just so you know, I’m happy.
Just so you know, I’m not struggling but I’m not achieving anything.
Just so you know, I’m overeating at one meal each day. WTF!
Just so you know, I’m fat and A-OK with it.
Just so you know, I’m beautiful. I’m a great person.

Just so you know…

Well it’s been over a week since Daniel went back to Australia. The time has gone by so slow and my feelings have been tossed around.

Since he left my anxiety has flared up big time. I can’t talk to the people I’m around. Big groups of friends make me uncomfortable. Yet I’m so lonely.

I’ve been trying to get a job with only one bite that I didn’t hook. I don’t know where I can go or what I can do until I get back to Australia to be with him.

I’m usually pretty good at hiding these feelings from everyone, including myself. If you see me, please reach out. I need to feel welcomed. I need to feel like I am wanted here.

I did my final drastic cut to my hair for awhile. Daniel and I got some clippers the other day to shave his head. I did a great job, in my opinion. Today I built up the courage to shave my head the way I’ve been wanting to. Have a look:

Front, June 2011

Front hair up, June 2011

Side hair up, June 2011

I wish it was a bit shorter but it’s scary to do myself and Daniel is too afraid to mess up. I still really like it, though. And I love that it’s pretty much hidden unless my hair is up! It makes me feel like I have a secret. xD

I attended Slutwalk on Saturday. Unfortunately I don’t have my own photos. I left my camera battery at home! Fortunately, a friend I went with took a few pictures. I also was lucky enough to meet someone from the 2nd season of Beauty and the Geek Australia. Now I’m in the process of begging him to show me his photos so I can steal some of me to put in my gallery. Anyways, it was really fun to attend. Since it was cold, not many people dressed up for the event. I actually think more men dressed up than woman. It was amazing how many men were there!! It seems to be split in half: men/women. There were some very moving speeches as well. I have to admit, I wasn’t 100% into the whole thing but I’m still very glad I attended. I might get more into next time. [...]

I believe I mentioned in my last post that Daniel and I have started a new blog together. That means there will no longer be weekly posts on here. Sorry if that disappoints anyone :O! I will try to post something here periodically, I promise! This will just be personal postings. About ME. Things I’m interested in. Maybe clothes, food, crafts, or all the above… not sure yet .

I have something that’s been bugging since before I left ‘The Valley‘ and I just want to let the feelings out. [...]

Well, I’ve made it a month in Australia. I knew I would considering my last visit here was 3 months long ! It’s been really great here. Of course there’s been down days but I wouldn’t change anything about it! During the weeks I’ve been doing things to keep my self busy including looking for jobs and visiting Daniel at work. At least one day during the weekend is spent as a ‘date day’. On those days we usually go out all day and enjoy our time together. I’m so thankful we have the weekends to spend so much time together! [...]