Ciera's Adventure

I don’t know what to write. I was wanting to share my life with you. I wanted to type out my current thoughts and feelings. It just seems stupid now. Nothing is being organized in my head the way I want it to. Everything is jumbled up.

Just so you know, I’m happy.
Just so you know, I’m not struggling but I’m not achieving anything.
Just so you know, I’m overeating at one meal each day. WTF!
Just so you know, I’m fat and A-OK with it.
Just so you know, I’m beautiful. I’m a great person.

Just so you know…

Well it’s been over a week since Daniel went back to Australia. The time has gone by so slow and my feelings have been tossed around.

Since he left my anxiety has flared up big time. I can’t talk to the people I’m around. Big groups of friends make me uncomfortable. Yet I’m so lonely.

I’ve been trying to get a job with only one bite that I didn’t hook. I don’t know where I can go or what I can do until I get back to Australia to be with him.

I’m usually pretty good at hiding these feelings from everyone, including myself. If you see me, please reach out. I need to feel welcomed. I need to feel like I am wanted here.

Just recently, we had a cat join our small family of four. His name is Louie . We got him knowing we’d have to take him to get desexed and I was also thinking about declawing (keep in mind, the last time one of my cats was declawed is when I was under 10… my parents choice. I’ve never heard much of it since then). Being new cat owners, we wanted to research how to go about doing everything. I know declawing is a very controversial in America so I wanted to see what the views are here, in Australia. Turns out, it’s is illegal and viewed as inhumane! I read more into it and now understand why people see it that way. When you get a cat declawed, you’re having almost half of each toe removed. It’s unnecessary and a lot of people do it so the cat doesn’t ruin their things. Some people say it’s selfish for that reason and I can see why. You shouldn’t get a cat if you’re not prepared to have things scratched up! Saying that, I am no longer interested in cutting Louie’s, or any other animals, toes off… unless medically necessary! [...]

Well, I’ve made it a month in Australia. I knew I would considering my last visit here was 3 months long ! It’s been really great here. Of course there’s been down days but I wouldn’t change anything about it! During the weeks I’ve been doing things to keep my self busy including looking for jobs and visiting Daniel at work. At least one day during the weekend is spent as a ‘date day’. On those days we usually go out all day and enjoy our time together. I’m so thankful we have the weekends to spend so much time together! [...]

This week really hasn’t been that eventful. I visited Daniel during lunch early in the week and during that hour we opened my new bank account. When I was at a bus stop on my way to see him, an old Greek lady started talking to me. She was complaining about the ‘cold’ and mentioned how her “village” was always the same temperature throughout the year! I thought it was really funny because she also mentioned that she has been a citizen in AUS for 40 years! The fact that she referred to a village really made me happy. In any case, it made me even more interested in Greece. I must travel there one day. [...]

Today I spent a wonderful day with Daniel, his sister, and his mom. We had lunch at a nice buffet and then got some shopping in. We had to get some ingredients for delicious cookies that we made later in the day. Mmmmm, cookies! They turned out soo well! They were meant to be plain lemon cookies, with icing but we decided to make them more exciting with RAINBOW (++death) colors! Not only do they look good but they taste delicious as well! [...]

Right now, I just feel tired. Mostly of family, I think. They just got home an hour ago and I spent maybe 5 minutes with them? And when I escaped I felt annoyed and stressed. I really wish I wouldn’t feel this way almost all the time. The only person I can stand in this house (still for a limited time, but longer than the rest) is my sister. Hopefully she doesn’t start annoying me as much as the others ! I don’t know what I’d do then.

Anyways, now I am listening to music and trying not to be here while still being here. I can’t wait for a new life! Really. I am soooo excited to just ‘start over’. I feel like I’m just surviving until then. Then, when I start living! Gahhh! I’m so impatient sometimes. XD

Hmm, something I’m starting to realize: Parents are right sometimes . Did you ever hear, “Your friends now may not be your friends forever, even if it feels like that now.”? Haha! My dad said that a lot but I never believed him. I thought the friendships I’ve had for 10+ years would always be, ya’ know? My views sure have changed recently. I am definitely not as close as I used to be with my two best friends I’ve had for about 12 years now. I haven’t talked to one of them for 6 months now because she hasn’t responded to any of my messages . The other friend; I think we will be friends for a long time still but I just don’t feel as close as we were in our younger years. Mmm… blah! Just, blaaaah. That’s how I feel right now. [...]

You know when you’re reading something you totally agree with and you get this uplifting feeling? That happened to me when I read the above proverb! The way I interpret it may be different from others but I think it means: “No distance is too far if you’re in love.”

About a month ago I arrived home from a three month trip to Australia. I had traveled over there to meet Daniel, my one and only (as mentioned in my last blog post). We had met online nine months prior when he sent me a friend request on Myspace. We started talking through comments and, just a few days later, we were chatting hours upon hours on Windows Live Messenger! It was, and still is, amazing that I could talk to him the whole day without getting bored or having an awkward pause in the conversation. I have never been able to do that with anyone else!

When we first started talking, Neither of us were expecting more than just a friendship. He was looking for a girlfriend, but trying to find someone in his area. Oh, and I must add this!!, he started looking right after his ex broke up with him… REBOUND! xD LOL! I was concerned and told him he didn’t “need” another girlfriend, he just wanted one. As for me, I had been “involved”, emotionally at least, with a friend and was still trying to figure myself out. I just wasn’t looking for anyone… I didn’t have the feeling that I needed to be with someone. But of course, as the days went by, and we started learning more about each other, we started getting closer and closer! I think it took me a little over a month to realize how I felt about him! <3 I knew by then I would love to meet him one day and I told him so . I had no idea I would be on an airplane flying across the world 8 months after that, though [...]